Beam Me Up Button
“I didn’t sign up for this, no-one told me it would be like this.”
I threw myself on my bunk crying “I don’t want to be a mother any more, I can’t do this, why on earth did I have children”
I think we should all be issued with a beam-me-up button which painlessly transports us off for parenting respite.
I’d like to go somewhere where I’m bathed in healing light, given a nice hot drink and a biscuit, my shoulders are massaged and someone tells me what to do before I’m beamed back.
Back I’d come confident, in charge and in control of myself ready to take on the whatever madness is before me.
And let me tell you that madness is not confined to those lovely beings I brought into the world, I regularly join in and fail completely, to remain grown-up and adult.
Dr.Bradley’s book “Yes, Your Parents are Crazy”, may indeed be right.
I had a realisation the other day.
I’m allowing myself to be driven crazy and I have to do something about it and quickly.
I issue threats I’ll never carry out, I snipe and sneer, criticise and control, I rant and rage. I throw tantrums and have even hurt my throat I shouted so loud. Scary Mum!
I know some of you will be horrified since you never stoop to these sort of sick behaviours, bully for you, you’re a better person than me, that’s for sure.
Some of you may feel sorry for me, or think I need some sort of emotional help…….don’t and maybe I do.
Seriously though, it’s TOUGH this teen thing, well for me it is, and I don’t always feel very well equipped for the task. I need a thicker skin, a bigger arsenal of tools, more back-up, proper breaks, less other stuff going on and to shed some of the buttons I wear that so easily get triggered.
And it’s those buttons which prove the most elusive to change. If only it was as easy as snipping them of and replacing them with a nice new toggle or snap fasteners.
All is not lost though. I’m learning that my buttons do not get pushed nearly so often when life is simple. The less distractions the better. When I am trying to do one hundred other things, schedules are tight and there’s a long list of to-do’s I don’t have the time, stamina or head space to deal with it in a loving, light, rational way.
What I need is:
- Lots of good quality sleep, it’s one of the most transformative things I know.
- To let go and to let go and to let go some more.
- Lots of good supportive chats with friends who get me, and are honest enough to let me know I am not alone.
- To reading good quality parenting books.
- To stop trying to be “perfect” Mum.
- To remember I’m the parent and only the parent, not a friend, chum or pal.
- To know that what’s good for them in the long run may not “feel” very good to them in the short run
- Not to take the insults personally.
- Not to debate or discuss or to expect sense from either of us when in the thick of it.
- To take time out, regularly.
- To look after myself super well.
- To chat and discuss and debate lots when all is well.
- To laugh a lot and not take life quite so seriously.
All those lovely gifts from parenting teenage twins, I must remember to thank them!
MairiStones
I know what you mean Mairi. It can be so difficult at times. What I have found very helpful lately is a book called ‘The Magic’ by Rhonda Byrne. Yes, the Secret woman. I thought it would just be a nice little book about helping me to be more grateful but it is actually quite profound.
Even in the most challenging situations, finding something, no matter how small, that you can be grateful for in another person makes a HUGE difference.
I’ve tested this out with my son and we had the most amazing day together on Saturday. All I did was spent a few minutes each day (week prior) saying how much I love him and the small things that he does that I am grateful for. Like how well he is reading now, for example. Then we went out all day Saturday, which he normally complains about because he is taken away from his beloved Xbox. Not once during the day did he ask when are we going home. He actually enjoyed himself and even let me browse in an antique shop. It was absolute bliss! I love this gratitude stuff.
Big cheers for gratitude, it’s the bizzzzzz!
Thanks for the reminder though to actually say it OUT LOUD, and let them all know. I used to do this and seem to have drifted away again so easy to go to the “dark” side. X
Oh I hear you mama; did I tell you the classic line I pulled out the other week in the supermarket (ya know, everyone’s favourite place to lose the plot with kids)?
I yelled at my daughter “If you have nothing to say that will enrich my life, don’t say ANYTHING” and I looked at her with THAT stare and I swear to Goddess the entire store went silent and turned to look at me.
Ho hum, but you know what? In a couple of days my daughter bought up that line and said “I don’t reckon I’d say much to you would I?” and it opened up the dialogue for a great conversation…
Loving your honesty and gently massaging your shoulders x
HA, ha, been there, done that. My daughter once tantrumed in the supermarket, and every checkout stopped to stare. i ended up leaving pushing a trolley with my son in tow and daughter under my arm, head held high as she screamed ” you’re hurting me”, I certainly felt like it.
What a ride hu? X
Parenting teenagers is a rollercoaster ride when one mostly feels like screaming one’s head off and is desperate to get off! You are not alone. Teenagers are a species unto themselves (if they are acting normally), who grow like weeds, hate one 75% of the time and practically everything one does is wrong, embarrassing and /or pathetic. I used to get to Wednesday and think -’ I can’t make it over another w/e of trauma!’ However…………………….after what seems like a lifetime of hellishness,with sporadic moments of loveliness, they finally emerge, all grown up and clever and know more stuff than one ever will about things one had never thought of and suddenly………..they like you all over again!Hurrah for the over 20s!
Oh boy, thank you, you made me laugh, and the offer of a little light at the end of this roller-coaster in the dark is very welcome, thank you. X
This is so refreshing, my teens are 15 & 14 and you would seriously think they were worst enemies if you would listen to them. Sometimes the drama in this house drives me insane, my stress levels goes through the roof. Then my mother in law bless her says “well you do have to be grateful they are good kids”. God’s kids what !!! I have to laugh as today I’m blogging slightly on the same subject today. Xx
Hurrah, hurrah I’m not alone, yipee. Will read your blog with interest. Being grateful is one thing, a good thing indeed, but a trifle hard in the maelstrom of teen madness. X
Sara, what is your blog, can you give me a link please?
This sounds sooooo familiar! I have tried saying things like ‘I was a teen once too ya know, I understand and because I understand what you’re going through I’d like you to trust me and know that I am doing this because I know it’s best for you…’ and then I stop. Not because of the glazed expressin on their faces but because I was actually giving myself a glaze expression–how cliche, how ineffective, how completely rubbish! But how frustrating! When all I want to do is help them through this difficult time, help them become kind, interesting, happy adults and help myself and my husband have a life while we’re supporting our teens. I think your ‘reminders to self’ are great and I could certainly be more effective (and ‘hve a life’!) if I remembered more of them more often!
Thanks for your lovely comments, another parent of teens in arms! Glazed expressions I know well, and rolling of eyes. I too really want to help them out the door to adult hood reasonably well equipped. As i keep telling them,”I’m on your side”, more rolling of eyes!!!!X
Hi Mairi,
We’re loving you, at a distance, but we’re here.
Thanks Ben, it’s good to know you are all out there, and to know I am not alone with all this excitement!!!
Ah My friend!
I love your honesty and you take me back to those most painful times when all I could see is frustration on my part and theirs.
My bairns all left the coop now tho and I look back and miss those silly arguments, wish they were here to insult and challenge me.
Our children grow so fast and soon are gone, all I want to do is hug you and all I want to say is relish each moment.
You are an amazing parent and are have spent many years forging strong adults, mainly because we were not allowed to be ourselves. Here they are! smile at their strength and power and know you did your job well!
Much love and enormous respect to you Mamma
Petra
xxx
Thanks Petra, it’s so good to here from you and from your experience. I will try to relish it all. I remember you once telling me to welcome the next tantrum, looks like I’m here again! X
‘this too will pass’ as someone not too long gone used to say all the time.! The youngest of my four can still be more of a challenge than the other three put together… I favour her ability to express herself so well, albeit overly dramatically!i am getting good at meditation/chanting and using that as my reset button,,,,, OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM….. Ah feel great now! hee hee.
Lots of love to you and yours dear Marie. x x x x
Good reminder there Eileen, it will pass and does pass. keeping on with the chant/mediation here too, Nameh ( I bow)! X
Oh yes, those bloody teens. C at 15 is shouting at me very loudly on occasion and it’s a skill and a discipline not to respond with fear and panic turned into anger. But I had a few days away last week and have come back refreshed… plus I know that total peace and quiet is mine for several hours a day if I choose to have it. I’m working very hard on letting all the aggravations float lightly over my head… it’s a work in progress!
You’re doing better than me, I cave into shouting, anger masking fear, what if this, what if that……let go, let go, let go, my mantra X