Oh boy can I make things difficult for myself or what?!
Having managed to Put Paint to Paper I very quickly took off in another unhelpful direction. I have this ability (disability actually) to turn almost anything into a “have to, must do, should do”. This means that instead of enjoying things I create a whole story around them which means I can’t just enjoy the process any more because it’s turned into a chore.
In Montenegro I saw these amazing paintings which I’ve kept thinking about. I’ve decided it’s because I’m meant to paint like that, big canvases with the human form and especially amazing hair. As the story in my mind built I realized I would need to learn how to paint the human body so got myself a book to learn how to do so.
Following on from that I thought that I had better start doing some small paintings (as I only have small space and small paper at the moment) and begin the learning process to get me from where I am to where I want to be.
So off I went trying to paint nudes and hair. I told myself I would HAVE to go to life-drawing classes when I get back, and get painting lessons and and and; on and on I went building a whole programme I would need to follow so I can end up painting like the ones I saw.
THEN, I woke early one morning and found myself remembering my art classes at school and the abstract I painted for my O’grade. Abstracts, ah ha! When I first got the message to paint all I saw were abstracts so that is what I painted. Somewhere along the line I decided that wasn’t “right” and so began an uncomfortable relationship between me and my painting.
I listened and believed my Inner Critic as it told me I “should” be able to paint representational paintings, that I couldn’t, my efforts were pathetic and hopeless and therefore I was useless and wasting my time.
So when I got out my paints a few days ago I chose watercolour as this involved less phaff on a small boat and secondly I listened to the whisper within that said PLAY, PLAY; PLAY with the paint.
I was reacquainted with that place of creative flowing where time stands still and the mind softens and quietens, where I allow something to emerge on the paper rather than plan or prepare anything. It’s like Anna’s novel characters who “quite literally wrote themselves”.