Acceptance

Have I finally accepted my diagnosis?

Who wants to have ME/CFS, it’s no fun, and bloody hard work to get well. I understand about it being some a gift and an opportunity for change, and I believe that, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy to accept my reality.

For the last few months I have struggled along on this Mediterranean trip of ours. I want to be here but I also don’t because it can be hard and incredibly frustrating.

Sometimes I have no choice, events overcome us, see www.28feetafloat.com, and our entry to Montenegro. I did my best to take good care of myself the next day, but despite my best efforts I still lost the plot. By that I mean I felt stressed out by the smallest things, irritated, overwhelmed and unsettled. I couldn’t think properly and felt exhausted. It’s not like the tiredness that a rest will sort out it’s a weird exhaustion where I feel like the plug has been pulled out.

This time it all culminated in a melt down. I cried and cried. I don’t want this diagnosis, I don’t want this struggle to get well, I’m scared I won’t recover, I don’t know what to do.

What has been happening is that I am “booming and busting”. I get some energy, use it up, collapse, feel really stressed and at my limit in every way, have to rest, recover some, and then off I go again. It’s no way to live and I know I can’t carry on like this. I want to be well, healthy, vital and able again. I want to be able to rest, recharge my batteries and be off again.

I seem able to see the energy in others now. It’s weird and I don’t really know how to describe it, but it’s like it radiates out of them. Perhaps it’s because they have enough and what I see is the surplus brimming over, whereas mine is almost empty much of the time.

This situation is mine to deal with. I am responsible for me and my health, I know that, so what do I do?

I have to prioritise me, or do I mean M.E.?

What do you struggle to accept in your life?

2 Responses to “Acceptance”

1. Benjamin says:

   14/09/2011 at 9:19 am

   Wonderful that your vision is opening, Mairi. Whatever enables you to see energy is supporting you as you do so!

   Love from us all.

   Reply
   • mstonesadmin says:

     14/09/2011 at 5:31 pm

     Thanks Ben, I can feel change coming and it’s exciting. the very fact that I felt moved and managed to write here is an indication of something moving.

     Reply